A child that is different in a few ways might just be gender non-conforming. A child who is different in a lot of ways, and shows extreme unhappiness at being forced to act like the gender they were assigned at birth, is probably transgender. Remember, most notions of gender are stereotypes. Boys are not genetically predisposed to prefer the color blue, for instance.
Insisting on shopping in the girls/boys section Choosing a masculine/feminine name for themselves Preferring friends of another gender Becoming upset over haircuts Frequently pretending to be book or movie characters of another gender Hating their genitals Looking up to older boys/girls and wanting to be just like them Begging for books or toys that say “for boys” or “for girls” Wanting to reincarnate as their true gender Crying over the gender they were assigned at birth[3] X Research source Being much happier when you let them do something related to the gender they express
Notice tantrums over haircuts, clothes shopping, wearing/not wearing the color pink/blue, and other grooming decisions. It may feel like fighting your child to get them to conform to gender roles. Pay attention to arguing. For example, if you say “boys are allowed to wear dresses” and the child says “but I’m not a boy in a dress! I’m a girl!” then the child is probably transgender. [4] X Research source Look for behavior problems, depression, and poor mental health. Children who are forced into the wrong gender role may be very upset and act out. They may also internalize negative feelings, which could lead to emotional trouble years later. Luckily, transitioning can usually fix most of this.
A child who routinely insists upon their gender is very likely transgender. Transitioning can help the child’s social development, focus in school, and emotional well-being, and may reduce behavior problems. [8] X Research source Some children do go through a lengthy phase of identifying with a different gender when they are young. That phase will typically end around the age of 9 or 10 years old. [citation needed]
Puberty and the years after are common times for children to begin exploring. Listen to them if they begin to say that they feel they are another gender.
Allow your child to lead in this experiment. Don’t pressure them to try things that they don’t want to try, such as being called by a different name. Watch your child during the trial run. Do they seem happier or more confident? Are they having more fun? This can help you tell whether this is what makes your child happy.
Look for a licensed professional who has experience in working with transgender children.
When learning about bodily anatomy, you can teach that a biological boy has a penis and a biological girl has a vulva, but this does not hold true for someone with a transgender identity.
Know that being transgender is not “abnormal. ” It is a documented medical condition for a child to be born transgender. If this is the case for your child, the emphasis should be on supporting the child. Don’t get caught up in worrying about what is “normal. "
Lack of knowledge Fear of rejection Witnessing stigma Having tried to express themselves, but been teased or scolded
You could also head to the local library. Ask the reference librarian to recommend some good books on being transgender. Read stories from transgender people. These first-hand accounts can help you understand what it feels like to be transgender.
If your child thinks it might have been just a phase, talk about it before leaping into action. A child who says it was “just a phase” may be lying because they are being mistreated, or they think you’ll love them less if they are transgender. Ensure that they know that you love them either way, and that they are truly serious about this.
Professionals are usually very thoughtful and will not rush your child into something that they are not ready for. [16] X Research source Keep in mind that just because you don’t feel ready doesn’t mean that your child isn’t ready, or that your child isn’t hurting by waiting for you to catch up.
The choice to transition (or not) should be based on your child’s needs and happiness, not on what you think your child should be. Don’t stop a child from being themselves because you aren’t comfortable with it. Explain to your child that there are certain social and biological limitations to changing one’s sex. A girl who transitions to a boy will not be able to pee in a urinal without a specific device or surgery later in life. It is not currently possible for a boy who transitions to a girl to ever experience menstruation or physically give birth to a child. Many transgender people have gotten through childhood normally and have then decided to transition as an adult when they were more fully aware of the scope of their options.
Studies show that transgender children who have transitioned have equal rates of depression to their cisgender peers, and only slightly higher rates of anxiety. [19] X Research source On the contrary, those who are transgender but do not transition have very high rates of mental health issues. [20] X Research source
Love your child for who they are. You child might be going through a difficult time. Make sure to let them know that you love them unconditionally. You can say, “I know you’re going through some changes. Just remember, I love you no matter what. ”[21] X Research source Remind your child that they’re safe, and that they’re free to be themselves wherever they are.
If you hear someone make a negative comment about transgender people, say, “Comments like that are not okay. Please don’t say that again. ”
Recognize that social transitioning is completely reversible. If it turns out to be a phase, then your child can change their hair back and change their wardrobe. And your child will remember that you supported them while they were questioning, which will mean a lot to them. Don’t panic over social transitioning. While some parents have a hard time with the idea at first, remember that this is important to your child, and that it can always be reversed if it turns out that your child isn’t happier this way.
Excessive sleeping Sudden weight loss or gain Lack of interest in activities they previously enjoyed Noticeable mood shifts
For young teens, puberty blockers can stop them from the trauma of going through the wrong puberty. These only delay puberty, and are completely reversible. [26] X Research source This is the best “neutral option,” and it can help reduce mental health risks. [27] X Research source As an older teen or adult, your child may start taking hormones to help them go through the puberty that is right for their gender. As an adult, they might choose to have gender confirmation surgery. Some need this, while others are okay without it.
